Success

How is success measured? Money? Fame? The size of your house? A recognizable name? Or is it measured by the way we care for others? I have always considered my Uncle Doug to be a successful man by all of the standard measures. Retiring early from a successful engineering career, he began a consulting business. Living comfortably between his two homes in Missouri and Floria, he and his wife, Laurie, welcome visits from friends and family year-round. He has maintained his health, enjoying his hobbies of golf and slalom skiing well into his 60s.

7 years ago, his beautiful wife and love of his life was diagnosed with early on-set dementia. Prior to her diagnosis, she had been the one to dote on him. She lived for him. Always at his side, she willingly pulled him along the slalom course in the wee hours of the morning. She made their home beautiful and welcoming and cared for their beloved dogs. She wore many professional hats over the years working in healthcare, real estate and bookkeeping. But the role she seems to love the most is being Doug’s wife.

Managing People

As time has marched on, she is losing her abilities. And now he has become her fulltime caregiver.  His days are filled with doting on her, making sure her every need is met. During a recent visit he shared with me that his experience in business has helped him to be a better caregiver. “I know how to manage people. I’ve learned how to manage her within the confines of her disease.” He admitted that for the first several years of her diagnosis, he had a hard time accepting it, accepting the change in her behavior. But as he has witnessed her dementia progress, he has come to a level of acceptance. This helps him to give her grace every single day.

I asked Doug if he had done much reading or research on caring for someone with dementia. He admitted he had not but learned much by trial and error. One thing that he has found helpful is to limit her choices. So instead of a closet full of clothing, she has 4 pairs of pants and 5 shirts. Keep it simple. He also makes a game out of taking medications, showering and personal hygiene. Keep it fun! And he ensures she has things that she loves like music, dancing, diet Coke, an occasional sweet treat and lots of time spent with friends, family and dogs!

Thankless Work

One of the greatest challenges of caring for someone with dementia is the lack of appreciation the caregiver receives. Laurie can no longer see the way he cares for her. But it is so apparent to anyone who spends time with them. Doug’s sister, my Aunt Bev, taught him how to put Laurie’s makeup on. He does so before taking her out for dinner. There are times when she will stand in the kitchen and yell “Feed Me!” and he does. During a recent visit to the lake, she yelled, “Stop! Stop!” He quickly ran down the stairs to see what was the matter. Upon his return he explained that she had become frustrated with her socks and he helped her through it. These frustrations are a regular occurrence for her. And he dutifully responds, without thanks, gently guiding her through whatever seemingly major catastrophe she is experiencing.

Having Purpose

We all desire purpose in life. Laurie has the lost the ability to do many of things that gave her purpose before her dementia progressed. She can no longer function independently to do even the smaller things like walking and feeding her dogs or helping to cook. One thing that Laurie continues to do well is to wipe dishes clean. Following dinner one evening, I asked her to assist me with the dishes. She has always been the one to take care of cleaning up after a meal or gathering so her guests can relax, so she knows the routine well. I washed and asked her to dry. She did a beautiful job and was quite content. She simply needed to feel useful once again.

Living Fully

I will admit, at times I have thought Uncle Doug just slightly crazy to continue with his usual lake plans summer after summer as Laurie has declined. But the Lake is their happy place. And he, unlike many other caregivers, has placed high value on continuing to live as fully as he can while still caring for her. Sure, it may be extra work to make the trip but the reward is great. He is able to do things that bring him joy and when he is experiencing joy, so, too is Laurie. They spend a lot of time on the water and listening to music. Music makes her come alive and she will begin dancing with anyone who may be near-by. And she always gravitates to him, her love and safe place.

Last summer Doug bought a puppy. As if he didn’t have enough on his plate! But he recognized that his older dog would likely pass away around the same time that Laurie would and he could not fathom being alone. The puppy has brought lots of fun, joy and purpose to their home. And he is comforted by knowing that he will have his dog after Laurie is gone.

Measuring Success

Several years ago a student of mine gave me a hand made painting with the statement from the wise Maya Angelou, “If you find it in your heart to care for someone else, you will have succeeded.” Uncle Doug, you have succeeded. I see you. Your family sees you. God sees you. And we are so proud of you.