Psalm 38:14 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

I see you…

As I peered through the glass that looked upon the young couple, my heart broke. She lay over her husband, weeping and stroking his face, unable to kiss his mouth because of the breathing tube, while alarms blared around them. I closed my eyes, tears fell, and I took a deep breath. Back to work. I glanced to my right at the patient’s nurse. She, too, was weeping. Having cared for the young man for days while he fought for his life against COVID, she had developed a strong bond with his wife. She took time to learn their story, to hear of their children, know their dreams and to feel their heartbreak. I barely knew this nurse as I was relatively new to the organzation. What I did know was that she was a phenomenal nurse.

"I know, this is a tough one. Are you doing okay?"
"Seeing her lose him reminds me of losing my fiance." 
"Oh...gosh, that's hard."
"He committed suicide a little over a year ago." Her tears fell. I was stunned. What do I say?
"I am certain that your empathy, understanding and humaness is providing so much comfort for his wife."
"I hope so."

Tragedy

Throughout my years in nursing, I have witnessed many tragic deaths, including car accidents, sudden heart attacks, drug overdoses, strokes, and cancer. However, the deaths by suicide stand out as particularly painful for both loved ones and staff. The grief is compounded when the individual has consciously chosen to end their life. Reflecting on the numerous individuals affected by suicide leaves me in disbelief. In my own social circle, I can count at least a dozen people who have faced this sorrow. It prompts me to ponder, “How does one move on after such a loss? How does one find joy again?” This blog focuses on living well, and I seek insights from those who have endured and prospered despite such losses, on how they rediscovered a fulfilling life.

The nurse

It was the beginning of the pandemic. He had lost his job as a bartender. She worked as an ICU nurse and had just lost her first patient to COVID. Tensions were high at home, they were both stressed. After a late night out they came home and began arguing. “I can’t even recall what we were arguing about.” Kneeling in front of him on the bed, he picked up the gun from the nightstand. “I thought he was just trying to scare me.” At one point she feared for her own life. Just when she thought he was going to put down the gun, he turned it on himself and shot.

13 Minutes

She immediately called 911 while beginning CPR. It took the paramedics 13 mintues to arrive, the longest 13 minutes of her life. She remembers running to the door covered in his blood to let them in. She recalls the officer that sat with her. “He was very young and had no idea what to say to me. He kept telling me I could wash my hands but I just couldn’t.” They attempted to revive him for 45 mintues while she sat stunned on the kitchen floor, covered in his blood. Unable to reach any family in the middle of the night, she was finally able to reach a co-worker who was on duty at the hospital who came and sat with her. “All I could think about was what his cardiac rhythm was and whether they would need his blood on my hands as evidence.” In hindsight, she admits feeling relieved that they didn’t get him back during that time because she couldn’t bear the idea of losing him all over again.

Aftermath

In the aftermath of his death, she experienced a complex mix of overwhelming grief and a slight sense of relief. His frequent suicide threats had previously consumed her with worry, affecting her concentration at work. Now, that worry had morphed into a crippling fear that touched every part of her life. The act of performing CPR, even on a mannequin, became a traumatic trigger. As an ICU nurse, she wondered how she could continue in her role when CPR, a vital skill, was now a source of distress. Her life had shifted abruptly from wedding plans to funeral arrangements. “Purchasing his urn and the box for his cremation was surreal; it resembled an Amazon package, which felt utterly absurd,” she recalled. The suggestion from the funeral director to purchase her own burial plot left her appalled and offended. Amidst the need to replace furniture, flooring, sheetrock, and carpet, acquaintances reached out under the guise of concern, yet their curiosity seemed to center on the details of the tragedy. “The person who takes their own life isn’t thinking about the impact on the people who love them.”

“The person who takes their own life isn’t thinking about the impact on the people who love them.”

-Survivor

Starting from scratch

“I started over from scratch after he died.” She remodeled the home they had bought together, that they envisioned their married life in. Their family, friends and community rallied around her donating time, materials and talent to complete the job. These kinds acts alone were healing. She attended lots of therapy with a therapist specializing in PTSD. Taking a travel nursing position, she later realized she was running away from the pain. This time away allowed for growth and reflection and was a big part of her healing journey. “It made me a better nurse, or rather a different nurse. It helped me to develop my confidence.” Losing him changed the way she communicates with patients and families. “I know they aren’t doing well so I never ask how they are doing. I acknowledge that their situation or circumstances suck and reassure them that I am here to make their suffering a little less. I have any empathy now that I never possessed before I lost him.”

From pain to joy

“I had to believe that he went somewhere else, somewhere that he no longer felt pain and was happy.” She opened the eyes of her heart to see him, the good parts of him, all around. She saw him through a cardinal that always hung around their home. And monarch butterflies which symbolize new beginnings. Sometimes he will come to her in a song. “It was my birthday and I got in the car and turned on the radio. Benny and the Jets was playing! We used to love singing that song together. I knew he was with me wishing me a happy birthday.” There are times when she simply feels his presence and love.

As she has moved forward in life there have been some things that have been critical to her restoration, to living with joy and hope, again.

• THERAPY. Lots of it. In person is best. It is too easy to cancel a virtual appointment.
• TIME. Allowing yourself the grace to grieve without a specific timeline.
• FORGIVENESS. Forgiveness of self and the person who left.
• ACCEPTANCE. Accepting the fact that you are not the one at fault for their choice to leave the world.
• PURPOSE. Find your purpose. Whatever that is.
• EMBRACE. Embrace the sadness and grief. It is healing.
• REMEMBER. Rember the person lost and keep them alive by talking about them. This, too, is healing.

Supporting the survivor

When my best friend’s father died by suicide, I remember the day she called me at work to break the news. I wanted to support her in any way possible. But what can you say to someone who has experienced such a tragic loss? The most important thing you can do for someone mourning a loved one who died by suicide is to be present for them. Offer practical help like cooking a meal, doing the laundry or watching their children. Assure them you’re ready to listen when they want to talk. Create a space for them to share memories and stories about their loved one. Allow them the grace to grieve on their own terms. Share your memories of the person they lost. Avoid saying things like, “I understand what you’re going through,” or “They’re in a better place now.” Refrain from asking for details about the death, as it can make the grieving person feel like they’re under scrutiny.

It’s crucial to destigmatize mental illness. Discuss mental health openly at work, school, church, and within the community. Increase awareness of the resources available. Offer support to families who have suffered a loss through suicide, or those living in fear of losing a loved one. Be there for someone grappling with mental health issues. Listen without judgment and help foster a safe environment for them. Always be kind.

Thank you

To my dear friend, you for being brave enough to share your story with me and the world. You are an amazing, remarkable woman and I am honored to know you. And to the many others who have shared their story and life with me, thank you. You inspire me daily.

Resources

If you or someone you know is struggling with grief and loss or thoughts of self harm please reach out for help.

Find a support group | AFSP

988 Lifeline – If you need emotional support, reach out to the national mental health hotline: 988.