Grief can be more intense during the holidays.

I was called to the ICU at the request of a patient’s family member. Earlier in the year, I had cared for this woman’s child who had died tragically. Helping her navigate through the most horrific week of her life as she learned of her child’s brain death, the palliative care team supported her through the decision for organ donation. I will never forget her strength and courage, nor her heartbreak. Now her mother lay ill in the ICU on life support. I was immediately aware of her fragility. All the emotions flooded back as she held vigil at her mother’s bedside. Admittedly she had not seen a grief counselor because she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Struggling daily, it took every ounce of strength to hold it together so she could work, only to fall apart the moment she sat in her car. Now she found herself potentially facing difficult decisions regarding her mother’s care but she couldn’t even entertain the thought that she wouldn’t survive her illness.

Grief is a strange thing. It strikes when you least expect it. You are meandering through life, keeping it all together when suddenly, you get hit by a wrecking ball. I was 37 weeks pregnant when my dad died suddenly. When I think back on that time, it is hard to fathom how I got through it. I remember the day he died in exquisite detail. I can still recall the sense of dread and profound sadness. In my mind I can picture exactly what I was doing, who I was with and the look on my husband’s face as he told me my dad was gone.

And then 3 weeks later I had a baby. And 6 weeks later I went back to school to complete my final year of grad school. 8 weeks later I went back to work…and the world kept turning. It was in March the following year as I turned onto the property where I worked, which sat directly behind the cemetery where my dad was laid to rest, that it dawned on me that he had died. Wrecking ball.

I have managed to work through my grief over the years by seeking out both art therapy and psychotherapy. But it was and still is work. For years I could not go to a wedding and watch a father/daughter dance or hear a father give a toast. I would have to step out in those moments. Gradually, the pain has subsided, though I think of my dad often and miss him very much. Often I wonder what he would think of my boys or the way my brother has taken the family business to a level that he only dreamed of. I know without a doubt that he would have been proud of our family beyond measure.

If you are experiencing grief, here are some things you should know.

1. Grief is a process comprised of several stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance
2. Your progress through the stages of grief may not necessarily occur in sequence and stages can be revisited
3. Grief doesn’t just go away and in fact, can sneak up on you when you least expect it (wrecking ball)
4. Grief tends to be worse during the holidays and around “anniversaries”
5. Failure to process grief can result in complicated grief (rumination about the circumstances of the death, worry about its consequences or excessive avoidance of reminders of the loss)

As we enter the holiday season, be mindful that others are hurting. Grief can be more intense this time of year when the empty seat at the table is more noticeable. While some are planning holiday family gatherings, others are alone. Consider inviting them over to share in holiday celebrations. Take a moment to slow down and spend time with someone who may be hurting. And share stories of those we have lost. Keeping their memory alive can be healing.

If you or someone you know is experiencing grief, talk with your healthcare provider to discuss local resources. You may also find support through local faith communities and counseling centers. Consider joining a GriefShare support group.

Need Help Dealing with Grief? – GriefShare